Conversations.

via Daily Prompt: Conversation 

Conversations haven’t been my thing it seems. I actually hate having to be social, especially lately. I’ve always been an introvert, but I’ve been in my shell even more lately. At work, I’ll try my best to avoid going into certain offices so that I don’t have to engage in small talk. “How was your family’s Christmas?” “How is your mom holding up?” “It’s going to be hard for a while. The first year is always the hardest.” “You will create a new ‘normal.'”

I don’t care to hear it all. Because it takes all my strength to suck it up and say we did fine while trying to choke back tears. Of course I appreciate people caring. It’s just an awkward time of not really knowing what to say, on either side.

I prefer to have my conversations internally. I’m that person who doesn’t like to trouble others or make them sit through my issues. I know what it’s like to feel depressed, and I’d rather others not feel that way.

So here we are on New Year’s Day. And many of us are having that annual conversation with ourselves. What did I accomplish in 2017? What are my goals for 2018? What do I want to change about my life, or remain the same?

The last few months of 2017 were a downward slope. I sprained my back and left ankle within a few weeks of each other in the Fall. Then, in November, I suddenly lost my uncle. I’ve just been in a fog it seems.

My main solace has been dance. But my studio is on winter break for another week, so I’ve been feeling a bit empty without it. I hate this time of the year, honestly. The warmth and light from Christmas is over, and we’re left with the cold and barren Winter. It got down to 5 degrees F last night. I hate the cold, and my apartment is freezing all of the time.

But, the other part of me refuses to remain depressed about it all and tries to look at the bright side. The days are gradually getting longer again. Gradually. My birthday is next month. Okay I’m not sure how I feel about that. Let’s push that to the back again. I can still dance at home, duh. Why don’t I do that more? There are plenty of Kathryn Morgan videos on YouTube I can follow. What is wrong with my motivation?

I used to be one of those people who would make a list of all my New Year’s resolutions. But I’m not about that anymore. I don’t like lists. I never have. And I don’t know why. Lists are so helpful in getting organized, but they’ve always stressed me out for some reason. That’s something I’m trying to overcome. Maybe that’ll be my resolution. Overcome my aversion of lists.

But to be real. I think my resolution is plain and simple: do more of what makes my soul happy. That’s attainable, right?

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