I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I guess I’m still in a fog.
Maybe it’s the Winter. Or the absence of dance classes since last month. Or dealing with my uncle’s passing. Or other family issues hanging over me. Or all of the above.
I yearn for the warm, brilliant colors of Spring. The pipes in my apartment have been frozen since last week, making me unable to do dishes or wash clothes. Those items piling up stress me out. Luckily, the pipes thawed last night. The temps are finally warming a bit.
Yesterday morning, I was getting in my car to go to work, and I spilled my breakfast smoothie. It slipped out of my hand and toppled onto the ground. It poured on the driveway, my lunchbox, and a shoe. I salvaged 1/4 of it. Then, when I arrived at work and opened up my coffee travel mug, there was a smushed ladybug on the mouthpiece. I brushed these inconveniences off. There are worse things. The most important thing was that dance classes started back up last night. I was so excited to get back to the studio for ballet and pointe after a 3 week break.
Well then came the freezing rain. I got the notification that classes were cancelled due to the road conditions. My heart sank.
Of course, I thought, I could still do a YouTube barre workout in my kitchen. That’s better than nothing. So I did do that. But, my heart was still sad. Kitchen ballet is nowhere near as fun as being in the studio. I went to bed at a decent time, hoping to get up early this morning for a run at the gym.
My alarm went off at 5:20 am. I snoozed it. And again. And again. I couldn’t get myself out of bed. I gave up and changed my alarm to 6:40. I yet again failed to make it to the gym before work.
The self hatred began. Why can’t I get my butt out of bed? I am so lazy. I needed to get that run in today. Why am I so tired all the time? I used to run on less sleep than this all the time in college. Maybe I can go to the gym after work and before tonight’s ballet class.
I’ve been so tired. I sometimes worry that there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I expect too much out of myself. But some days, it takes all my strength just to keep up with the dishes and laundry. And don’t even get me started on putting clean clothes away.
I don’t feel like myself. And I feel like an awful friend, too. I haven’t felt like talking or making plans with anybody.
Am I depressed? Or still grieving? Both?
A friend told me I’ve been off the grid lately and asked if I’m okay. Yeah, I guess I haven’t been posting as much to my social media accounts. My spark hasn’t been there.
So yes, I’m okay. I’m here. But not wholeheartedly here.
Maybe my spark will appear in tonight’s ballet class. Hopefully nothing will cause that to be cancelled, because I need it.